I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He keeps bees of course he's weird
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
