i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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