my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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