i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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