Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
