If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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