we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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