Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
