I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
