"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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