happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
