i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
