Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
