Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
