just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
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