Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
