you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
