I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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