i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
