john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
