Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Someone shit on the floor
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
