NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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