I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
