my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
