I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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