My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
