I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
