ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
