Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Randomize
