You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
