Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
