so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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