the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
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