sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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