To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
