I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
