I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
