Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
