I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
