I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
