How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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