Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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