I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
We are all done wearing pants today
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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