She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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