they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
