Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
