I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
so how does one go about finding a summer fling?
take advantage of an intern
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Randomize
