is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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