I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
