Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
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